Which is More Useful for England - Wayne Rooney or a 13th Century Children's Toy?

After England bottled yet another World Cup campaign, there were several questions left unanswered. The first and most pertanant questions surrounded Sven Goran-Eriksson's squad selection but I don't really care about that. What I questioned after the penalty shoot-out defeat to Portugal in Gelsenkirchen and yet another red card for their scouse centre-forward was "Which is more useful, Wayne Rooney or a Jack-in-a-box?"



Here's the evidence:

Experience:
Wayne Rooney - 20 years old.
A Jack-in-a-box - Dates back to the 13th century

Physical Attributes:
Wayne Rooney - Flesh
A Jack-in-a-box - Strong, robust wooden body

Temperment:
Both are extremely easy to wind up and often blow their top when provoked.

Abilities:
Rooney - Arguing with referees, players and coaches
Jack - Providing mild amusement to children

Weaknesses:
Rooney - Metatarsals
Jack - Woodworm

Value:
Rooney - Last bought for £27m and thought to be paid £50,000 per week
Jack - Currently selling on eBay for around £15

Often Seen:
Rooney - Outside brothels across Lancashire or in the team bath at least 30 minutes before his teammates
Jack - In a box


So there you have it. A Jack-in-a-box is stronger, more experienced and more cost effective than Wayne Rooney and also spends more time in the box.

Steve McLaren take note.