I Told You Trains Were Rubbish

But did you listen? Well, probably. In fact, you probably knew anyway.







Still, lets all laugh at Virgin Trains, who have now resorted to asking passengers to repair their faulty fleet.

One thing that I would question though is this:

Mr Gaskin told train staff he had some plastic cable ties and a tube of superglue in his briefcase.

Another passenger, who was a former Network Rail engineer, climbed on to the front of the engine and tried to fix the loose windscreen wiper blades but was unsuccessful.

Who on earth carries a bag of cable ties on a train journey?

Clearly not Mr Branson

"Do You Know What Time it is?"

Thanks to some Scottish farmers or something, last night at 2:00am we had to put all our clocks back by one hour.




This would be fine if every member of the public had the brain capacity to be able to comprehend such a simple concept, but they don't.

As a result, this Sunday of the year is absolutely the worst day to be working in a 'public service' industry.

Sunday trading laws dictate that shops over a certain size in the UK can only trade for six consecutive hours and cannot trade past 5:30pm. This has lead to an accepted standard trading times of 11-5 (which we use), or 10-4 for supermarkets.

So today we were inundated at 10:01am with people banging on the front door, demanding to know why our doors weren't open and why we weren't catering for all their moronic needs, refusing to acknowledge that it was purely them that couldn't tell the time:

Customer: "What time do you open?"
Shop worker: "11:00am"
Customer: "It's f**king 10-past, why aren't you f**king open?!"
Shopy: "It's 10 past 10"
Foul-mouthed Idiot: "No it f**king isn't, it 11:10!"
Shopy: "No it isn't, look (holds up watch)"
Foul-mouthed Idiot: "That f**king watch is wrong, look! (holds up watch)"
Shopy: "You haven't put your watch back"
Foul-mouthed Idiot: "Yer what?"
Shopy: "The clocks went back last night"
Foul-mouthed Idiot: "This is f**king stupid! Don't you talk to me like I'm a f**king idiot!"

And similar conversations ensued throughout the morning on top of various phone-calls from people asking how to change the clock back on their computer / mobile phone / sky box etc.

Oh, and not only were people struggling with traditions that are centuries old, they were also struggling with basic instructions on a answer phone.
If you were sad enough to call a shop at 8:00am on a Sunday morning and got this answer phone message:

Hello, thank-you for calling *********. The store is currently closed. Our opening hours are: Monday to Friday: 9-8. Saturday 9-6 and Sunday 11-5.

What time would you try and get to the store by? You wouldn't get there at 9:00am would you, unless you were a complete cretin? You certainly wouldn't argue that the above message is misleading any any way shape or form would you?

Unfortunately, some would.

Rubbish Inventions of the Modern World: Sat Nav

In the second part of this series designed to make sure you don't buy the wrong thing this Christmas, we take a look at a device that has seen a huge boom in the past two years: Satellite Navigation.



Sat Nav systems have really taken off, fuelled entirely by huge price reductions. Three years ago, I was happily selling GPS systems at upwards of £800 and more often than not, topping a grand. Today, you could get a better spec system from Aldi for about £90.

Anyone who works on the road will have one of these things stuck to their windscreens, haulers, couriers, mini-cab drivers, reps, the emergency services, even ice-cream men have been seen tapping away at the touch screen menus. Heck, even I've got one.

But why?

We believe that they get us from A-B with minimal fuss, but do they? Well no, no and no it would appear. All they seem to do is attract the local underclass to your vehicle.

The pro argument is that they guide you around unfamiliar areas and in fairness, when they arEn't taking you up some back-alley in Wales, they can do that. However, try using them in a City Centre and they aren't much cop at all. Half the problem of city driving is negotiating the multitude of one-way systems and performing countless lane changes. Not once will a Sat Nav even give you an incling of which lane to take, that's if you've still got a reception in the first place.
There's also those people who use them purely in their home town, not realising that it's more than likely costing them money in fuel as it finds yet another cack-handed way to get you to the local supermarket. They are certainly no substitute for local knowledge.

So for those of you browsing Currys this December for that perfect gift, turn away from Satellite Navigation.

Rubbish Inventions of the Modern World: Digital Picture Frames

Believe it or not, Christmas is not a million miles away. Now is the time that retailers and manufacturers everywhere start to churn out the inevitable stream of crap to get you to part with your hard earned.



Over the next few weeks, a View from the Bar guides you through the pitfalls of Christmas shopping. Today: Digital Picture Frames.

Photographers and photo-developers are constantly bemoaning the death of the photograph. In the past, you'd take your holiday snaps, sent them off the be developed and then a week later, you'd all gather around like a family going "awwwwww" and "oooooh" as your mum flicked through the photos. (As a kid, you were never allowed to touch them). Then they'd be filed away in a photo album for another day - even the rubbish ones where your finger strayed across the lens or where you took photos of the TV just to use the film up.

Today, we don't bother with that. These days it's all instantaneous. We take the photos, immediately delete the ones we don't want and then download them onto our hard-drive the minute we land. And we just leave them there. Half the time we don't even look at the, they just sit on the hard-drive never to be seen again. We ignore the fact that we spend £200-£300 on a digital camera that gives us worse picture quality that our old 35mm camera, we just like the sound of the word "megapixels".

So along came a series of ideas designed to kick-start the home photography scene. First you had photo printers, but people still couldn't be bothered printing photos after they bought a new printer and so the next big idea was digital photo development booths. Think of it like a cash machine except instead of putting in your debit card, (then you put in your debit card to pay) you put in a memory card and instead of cash, you get photographs instead. They are still knocking about here and there.

But then some boffin decided that instead of merely printing our photos, we needed somewhere to display them and so the 'digital photo frame' was born - and it was rubbish.

The idea is to display your digital photos in the same way you'd display your old-style photos. The problem is though, it's entirely dependent on screen quality, which isn't very good.
Manufacturers of these things, like any modern consumer electronics, look to keep the costs of the product as low as possible, ignoring any detrimental effects in quality. That means when some no-mark distributor of poor quality LCD screens comes up with a good offer, it's just too tempting.
Not just that though, the big £2000 three screen jobbie you see on the above link? One of the screens didn't work and the remote was comical. You physically had to go up to the device and form a tunnel with your hand between the remote and the screen you wanted to change so that the remote didn't affect the wrong screen!

In the end, the reviewer for Channel 5's "The Gadget Show" ended up making his own picture frame - with a 15in TFT monitor and some MDF from Homebase.

So in short, avoid digital photo frames. The first of a series of 'What not to buy this Christmas' advice.

Stop Calling!

Now for a polite request. Could people please stop calling the following companies;

Orange
Pipex





Having spent all day on hold between both companies and not yet getting through to either, I' asking you all to refrain from calling so that I can get through.

I'm currently trying to get through to Orange to get my broken phone fixed but I'm currently stuck here listening to Charlotte Church with a regular interruption of a robotic voice reassuring me that my call is important to them and will be answered shortly.

As for Pipex, they may already have wind that I'm calling to cancel their service and get my MAC code, hence they are blindly refusing to connect me to their customer services centre.

Thank-you for your cooperation.

*********************************************************************

UPDATE:

Thank-you all for your cooperation.

Within minutes of posting this, I was able to contact both call centres.

Now's Not the Time

In the US, advertising is king. The advertisers have the power and it's hard to find anything in daily life that they haven't yet got their grubby hands on.





I've talked before about the power of product placement in the US, particularly in their version of 'The Apprentice'. Thankfully, that kind of advertising is illegal in the UK but not in the States.
In Donald Trump's televised job interview, you've essentially got one big 40 minute television advert.
In a typical example of said advert, the contestants will pick up and brand-new Pontiac Solstice, then they'll drive their brand-new Pontiac Solstice to the local 'Best Buy'. Once they get to 'Best Buy', they'll stand in front of a sign that says 'Best Buy' and then wander around 'Best Buy' picking up lots of 'Best Buy' bargains from the helpful 'Best Buy' sales assistant. Then, once they've got lots of bulging 'Best Buy' shopping bags, they'll get in their brand-new Pontiac Solstice and leave 'Best Buy'. Once they are back home, they realise that they left the credit card at 'Best Buy' and so they'll drive their brand-new Pontiac Solstice back to 'Best Buy'. Once they get back to 'Best Buy', they'll explain to the helpful 'Best Buy' store manager that they left the credit card in 'Best Buy' and whilst they helpful 'Best Buy' manager looks for the credit card, the contestant will wait in the 'Best Buy' store and tell the cameraman that he lost the card in 'Best Buy', whilst deliberately standing in front of a TV screen with the 'Best Buy' logo.

You get the idea.

It's also a problem in sport. You have the shirt sponsors, the stadium sponsors, the kit sponsors, the stand sponsors, the mascot sponsors, the pitch sponsors, the player sponsors, the mascot sponsors, the cheerleader sponsors, the programme sponsors, the drink sponsors and the dugout sponsors in the UK and every other sporting market, but across the pond they've gone one better.

Next season, the Chicago White Sox baseball team will commence all their homes games at the time of eleven minutes past seven. That's right, 7:11. Not a normal time like 7:00, 7:30, 7:45 or 8:00, but all matches at U.S Cellular Field will commence at the exact time of eleven past seven.
The reason? A sponsorship deal with the convenience store chain 7-11.

Whilst the rest of the world might think that such an exact time is just one stupid American idea too many, apparently the games would normally kick-off at the equally less normal time of 7:07pm

To us in the UK, start times have to be on a quarter hour. Anything other than that is, quite frankly, crazy talk. Our football starts at 3:00pm or 7:45pm, our rugby starts at 3:30pm or 8:00pm. It's a simple system that suits the fans, TV and sponsors. None of this 7:08 or 4:52 business. Most fans struggle with Radio Five Live's football phone-in - 6:06.

It's actually a good deal that 7-11 have got mind. A company spokesman said:

"Every time the media announces the game's start time it will be a gentle reminder of our sponsorship,"

It's quite a good idea on the face of it, although all it takes is an awkward TV presenter to say "eleven past seven" or the local paper to put 19:07. Still, marks must be awarded for effort.

We can all rest assured in this country that we aren't yet fed this diet of excessive marketing. I dare say the day will come but until then, we can all take pride in the fact that we don't have to dance to the corporate tune.

Support Leeds Arena

Those of you who live in Leeds may well be aware of the current campaign for a Leeds Arena being trumpeted by the Yorkshire Evening Post and various figures in the local music scene.

There have been rumblings of a Leeds Arena for many years. After Queen's Hall closed down in 1989, Leeds has been left without a high capacity music venue whilst state-of-the-art arena's have been built in Sheffield, Manchester and Newcastle.

Plans were drawn up in the late 90's for a 10,000 seat arena to be built alongside Elland Road stadium, complete with Ice Hockey and Basketball franchises, yet those proposals were abandoned after Leeds United's financial troubles began to get out of hand.

In the meantime, venues such as the Refectory and Leeds Met have their place, but are nowhere near big enough to fill the void and music fanatics from Leeds are still left with the prospect of late-night journeys up the M1 or across the M62 to see world famous acts.

In 2004, private investor Patrick Nally came knocking on the door of Leeds City Council with his own cash. However, whilst he was ready to get his chequebook out, the council were seemed more interested in converting the Town Hall into a music venue, disregarding the fact that both the capacity and acoustics of the building were unsuitable for a top-class venue. The problems with Supertram didn't exactly go down well either.

Then we tried Millennium Square.
Millennium Square is effectively just a public square. It has been used in the past for art exhibitions, an outdoor ice rink every winter and it's a popular venue for fans to watch major football matches on the big screen that's attached to the facing Carriageworks Theatre. This time, the square would be tested for it's suitability as a rock venue and local bands Embrace and then Kaiser Chiefs played gig's in front of 6,000 people crammed into a public square directly outside Leeds General Infirmary.
Whilst the venue has it's place like most overs and whilst the gig's were a major success, Millennium Square was added to the list of "not quite suitable venues".

Then Robbie Williams came to town, bringing chaos, 180,000 people and traffic carnage to the area of Roundhay, closing 11 local schools and outraging the local residents. That has revitalised the current campaign behind Leeds Arena.

The music acts are wanting to come to Leeds, the Sheffield Steelers Ice Hockey team want a fixture with a bit more rivalry than their current "derby" against Nottingham and I dare say that fans both sides of the Pennines would relish a Leeds v Manchester roses battle.

The city needs a top quality entertainment, sports and function centre. The economic gain and prestige that comes with hosting major acts and events is something that Leeds lacks against it's neighbours in Sheffield and Manchester. All the proposed sites would benefit the local area bringing regeneration and business to some neglected parts of the city. This is long overdue.

Sign the petition and support the Leeds Arena.

We're All Going to Die and There's Nothing We Can Do About It

At least that's the message that seems to be coming out this morning. Apparently, the UK is top of the Al Qaeda hit list and that it's only a matter of time before they strike again.








The claim is that the July 7th bombings in London were "just the beginning" and that "complex cells" of terrorists are working under one "master cell" that will bring down Western society to a crumbling wreck.

Yet again we have fancy scaremongering from Downing Street. Just from reading the article, you get the impression that these "warnings" have just been made up by someone as they were stood in the shower this morning.
Interestingly, the statement comes only a week or so after some bad publicity about the Government's ID card proposal, an idea which they believe would stop terrorism and make everything fine and dandy again.
Yep, according to Blair and Co, ID cards are the solution. OK, so the terrorists that attacked London last Summer were legitimate UK residents and would have been able to legally obtain an ID card anyway, but apart from that, ID cards are the solution to all of life's problems.

So scaremongering is the order of the day. I only wish we had cool, simple to understand colour-coded warnings like the US do.
I don't deny that we live in dangerous times but at the same time, I'm sceptical of the notion that every inner-city suburb in the UK has an underground network of extremists wanting to cause mass destruction. Terrorism has always existed, so why is it suddenly a major problem today?

Is anyone else not quite buying into this new "terror threat"?

How Difficult is it to Buy a 9-Volt Battery?

You'd think it'd be easy wouldn't you? Walk into the super market, find a big sign dangling from the ceiling that says "Electricals" in big letters, pick up said battery, take to tills, pay and job done. What could go wrong?

Unfortunatly, in a West Leeds suburb, it's actually very difficult, given the incompetencies of the businesses tasked with selling such products.

For those of you unaware with the area of Bramley, we have a small local shopping complex whioch consists of a supermarket, about 30 smaller shops and an office tower, all housed in one of the most hideous buildings in Yorkshire.

At one time, Morrisons used to be the tennants of the supermarket complex and it was fine. Morrisons are the forth biggest supermarket chain in the country and it's fair to say that they know what they are doing.
However, when they build a brand new flagship store 2 miles away in Kirkstall, it looked as if competition laws would mean they'd have to leave. In the end, only local pressure got them to stay. Five years later though and they were gone.

After Ken Morrison decided to buy out Safeway, that left Bramley with two Morrisons supermarkets. Anti-monopoly legislation ordered them to close/sell one of them and so Bramley Centre lost it's supermarket.

But then, after a few months, in stepped Somerfield to take the crown and Bramley Centre had a supermarket again, horray!?

Well not quite.

You see Somerfield arn't a supermarket, however much they might like to think they are. They are more the "mini-mart" type of business, think of a big Spar and you're probably on the right lines.
Because of that, they place is empty. They don't have the buying power of the "big four", so practically everything on the shelf costs more than elsewhere, the are no staff - none at all, there is no signage, the product choice is sparse to say the least and the overall "shopping experience" is just, well, dull.

The fact of the matter is, even though it's a small unit (by supermarket standards) in an area that could hardly be described as affluent, they have taken on something that is far too much for them. Where the old Morrison's supermarket was consistently busy and always well-staffed, this Somerfield effort is akin to a ghost town.
I suppose it's a classic case brand loyalty. The old "Moggies" was well-loved by the locals. This new upstart is just shunned.

So anyway, back to the battery. From entering the shop to leaving took 14 minutes - just for a 9v PP3 battery.
After spending around 6 minutes trying each and every unsigned aisle, I managed to find a shelf, incompletely priced and ticketed, with the said battery.
From there, of the 20-some cash desks, two were open - that's right - two. The other 8 minutes were spend queuing at one of the choice of till counters.

Somerfield have been in that unit for about six months now. By my reckoning, they'll be gone in from there in another 18.

The Best Form of Flattery

Ask any working journalist, be it a writer for a multi-million selling national tabloid or a local free paper and they'll tell you the same thing: Hate mail is the best compliment you can receive.






In fact, it's that much of a compliment, your editor will probably ask questions of you if you didn't get any. He'd rather have the postman bring a bulging sack of letters from readers who absolutely despise anything you write than get the odd e-mail from readers telling him how lovely you are.

Hate mail shows that people are reading what you write and not only that, it shows you are getting a reaction. People don't complain if they agree with something, but they will sure as hell moan if they disagree. If you get a reaction, you get noticed, circulation increases, more people read your views and you get a bigger reaction - it's as close as an example of the snowball effect as a snowball rolling down a steep hill.

So I couldn't help but break a wry smile today when I notice a few extra comments in some of my article, all from the same person who to be perfectly honest, isn't in 100% agreement with what I've said in the past week or so.

Here's some examples, accompanied by my usual dismissive reaction:

In my "Big Brother phone trouble" entry:

Get off your high horse you self righteous PRICK!!!!Who the hell do you think you are patronising the great British public?

Self righteous prick? Patronising? I'm sorry if I've missed the boat here, but spending £1.50 per call on TV programme is entertaining, enjoyable and a productive use of time and money how exactly?

In my "DVD Bonus features" entry:

Why don't you go and buy your own DVD Mr award winning film maker! I hope there's no shitty extras with your 'bafta nominated' film!

Firstly, it wasn't a BAFTA, it was a First Light Film Award for "Best Comedy 2005". It just so happened I was the "Director of Photography" on the said prouction. Not quite a BAFTA granted, but not many 17/18 year old's could boast one of those. Secondly, there were no extras. In fact I've probably got loads of out-takes on disc somewhere. I might post them one day just for you if I can be bothered to look for it.

In my "Fat Northerners" entry:

Why don't you face the fact that you're a bunch of northern monkeys, incapable of understanding dietary advice.

From your picture you look like you could do with losing a few pounds yourself.

Oh dear. You caught me. Right! From now on, no more booze and no more 3:00am kebabs.


To be honest though, this is probably just the work of a wind-up artist. Given that the perpetrator's user profile is almost certainly a spoof of the current UK Transport Secretary Douglas Alexander.

Still, nice to know I'm hitting some nerves eh?

Today's Outrage: Outraged Football Fans are Outraged

The other day I was banging on about how useless the BBC is when it comes to getting opinions from the general public through it's "Have your Say" section on BBC Online due to the moronic comments is attracts.






Well it seems that BBC Radio Five Live isn't just as bad, it's even worse. Rather than asking a suitable question and letting it get taken over by idiots, Five Live start with a stupid question and then take the results of that to get comments from one of their multitude of 'experts'.

In this instance, they devised a poll asking if England manager Steve McLaren was suitable for the job. Nothing wrong with that at first glance. But then you learn that the poll was started immediately after England's loss to Croatia.
The result? A host of disgruntled England fans phoning / texting / clicking about how disgruntled they the Sun had told them to be about England's performance.

Ignoring the fact that this happened to be a very tough game against a very good side, one which England were probably going to lose anyway before you consider that England had players missing through injury and suspension , what were the Beeb actually trying to achieve? They most likely knew that asking a group full of football fans after a defeat would get a reaction and so, in a typical act of lazy, poor quality journalism, they exploited that to give them a story to run a few days later.

Next weeks poll - We go into a packed council estate pub at 11:00pm on Friday and ask "Who wants a fight?". Find out the results next week.

Who to Support

Today see's the finale of the engage Super League season with the Grand Final at Old Trafford.





After the National League's wrapped up their season last week, now is it's the turn of the countries elite league.

But as I take my seat at the home of Manchester United this evening I'm left with a conundrum: Which team do I support.

A Leeds fan at heart, I'm now faced with the decision between today's finalists, St Helens and Hull FC.
I think I'm plumping for St Helens. I don't particuarly like either side, but Hull less-so (and a Hull fan's feeling towards Leeds will be similar).

The Saints are going for the treble, after already wrapping up the Challenge Cup and Minor Premiership and play an outstanding brand of Rugby, so I'll probably be a Saint for the day.

It'll be a cracking game though so make sure you watch it. If you haven't watched Rugby League before, have a gander at this - it'll beat that gash on Prem Plus this evening.

Oh, and make sure you read my match preview as well ;)

Flogging a Dead Horse?

If you believe the likes of Jack Thompson, video games are the root of all evil, are the single biggest cause in the break-down of morality and will see our society crumble to the stage where we have to surround our homes with bunkers and barbed-wire to protect ourselves from the masses of axe-wielding 13-year olds.


It's almost inevitable that when a teenager attacks, or even kills someone else, there's almost always mention of a violent video game or movie. Perhaps one of the most high profile being the infamous "Manhunt Murder" in 2004.

Today's announcement that Microsoft are to announce safety settings on it's XBOX 360 console which would prevent games with certain age rating being played without a password would therefore go someway to halting the inevitable youth crime spree then surely?

Well....no. Not exactly.

You see, in the very same article, the BBC website links to this story which states that despite crystal clear guidelines on how suitable a game is for various age groups, the public are just too ignorant towards them, or too stupid to understand a two-digit number.

Video games rating are very clear.
All games now have a white sticker on the back with an age rating displayed in bold black letters. It's a simple system. For those games that are deemed to be violent or have large portions of content such as Manhunt or Grand Theft Auto, the BBFC (who classify all films in the UK) steps in and places not only a recommendation, but a legal restriction. Basically, if a film or game has a BBFC rating of "18", it isn't just advised you don't play it if you are under the age of 18, it is illegal for you even buy the thing.
So, with all that legislation, how do 13-year-olds get their hands on a game where the intention is to car-jack, smuggle drugs from Columbia, pick-up prostitutes and then shoot them in the face?
Simple, the parents. Prior to the release of San Andreas in 2004, the Grand Theft Auto brand had sold 32 million copies worldwide and San Andreas itself is thought to have sold a further 10 million.
Anyone with half a mind can see from those figure alone that ratings and advisory logos are beyond useless.

The problem is that many people of that age don't understand the computing or games industry. You see it at Christmas with the mad rush for PlayStation's and XBOX's. People are running around like a lunatic to buy one for their kids, but that haven't a clue what they are actually buying. People still have the impression that video games are like 'Pong' and 'Frogger' with the cute characters and innocent play, not realising that the games industry today is much like the Hollywood movie industry, with the capability to create a chainsaw wielding manic with frighting accuracy.

I'm not going into the debate as to whether video games do affect teenagers to the point they themselves become violent because, quite simply, I don't know the answer (and nobody really does). There are two different camps. The gamers will tell you that there is nothing wrong with violent games as there is a clear distinction between reality and fantasy whilst the pro-censorship camp will claim that games attempt to depict reality.
I myself have experienced these games and don't feel the urge to hit someone over the head with a baseball bat but we all work in different ways. I've never been one to imitate people, plenty of other people are.

What I will say though is that Microsoft are wasting their time in the same way that Sky wasted their time putting parental controls on their Satellite receivers. People make their own choices what to allow their children to access and no amount of marketing or legislation will make any considerable alteration.
Perhaps Bill Gates realises that to some extent and is just launching this publicity stunt to get the anti-violence mob of his back for a little while in the run-up to the years biggest sales period.

Auntie's Gone Barmy

The BBC, a British Institution. A media organisation that is respected the World over, free from commercial pressures and free to operate without conforming to the ideology of powerful press baron.





So with all that, you'd expect the BBC to be providing only the best possible quality content for it's various mediums, including television, radio and online?
You'd expect that, but you'd be disappointed.

I've never been a major fan of the Beeb's "Have Your Say" section and today's current topic sums it up perfectly. The discussion is "Why is the North fatter than the South?
What sort of discussion is that exactly. Whilst there might well be government research to show that people in the North are more prone to smoking, drinking, eating and the like, which half-wit decided to throw the discussion open to the public?

Now, the discussion has just been littered with moronic comments. I've said before that whilst the BBC discussions are moderated, they sadly aren't moderated for stupidity.

Here's a few pearls of wisdom:

People from the north are far less affluent than their southerly counterparts and tend to view life from a day to day perspective. Instead of thinking if I invest £20,000 in XYZ company today it will be worth £100,000 in 15 years time they think, I might well be dead tomorrow, so I will go and spend my last £40 on 5 pints, a packet of fags and a kebab. - Brian from Fife

OK, so let's ignore the fact that Leeds is now the second biggest financial district in the country and the growing affluence of cities like Manchester, Newcastle and Liverpool.

Apparently Northerners love gravy with everything and alot of foods consumed with gravy is fattening! - Jag from Wolverhampton

Spot the Soccer AM viewer who can't tell the difference between reality and a tongue-in-cheek phrase.

It's colder up North. They need the extra insulation - Jay, UK

Spot the idiot who thinks he's funny.

Simply, they do not eat real food. They just eat fast food. Burgers and french fries - Ali from Doa

Brilliant! "They" eat rubbish! Use the word "they" in a discussion about a racial issue and it'll go straight in the trash can. Yep, us Northerners all eat complete garbage.

With the collapse of the coal mining, steelworks and shipbuilding industries
there is little else left for them to fight the flab. - Peter, Borehamwood

Oh eye, since t'pit went under we've just bin sat on ther arses for't past 15 year.

The reason is that the people in the north are less likely to work for a living. People who work for a living are more likely to think that you eat to live rather than live to eat. - Jeanne, France

Unemployment rate in Yorkshire & Humber : circa 4.7-5%. Unemployment rate in London: 7.2%. Guess again Jeanne.

I've always said the the BBC "Have Your Say" page is probably the biggest waste on bandwidth on the entire Internet. Having said that, it's probably more amusing than their latest 'new' comedy.

It's a Bonus

After heading into Leeds this afternoon, I've come home with the obligatory bundle of shopping bags. Some of it necessary, some of it not so necessary.








I ventured into HMV for a quick browse and, being a sucker for DVD offers, I eventually left with a copy of one of the funniest movies ever to grace the big screen: Airplane!
It was reduced to £7 and is the "special edition" with oodles of "bonus features" that the other, cheaper disc doesn't have. But now I think about it, in true Yorkshire fashion, why the hell have I paid an extra £2 for the special edition?

Most DVD movies do this. When a box-office blockbuster gets released on DVD, you usually have the standard version which will retail for about £15 and a "special/limited edition" which would set you back about £20 and more often than not, people will go for the bonus version because they think that they are getting more. But what do you actually get?

• Firstly, you get a fancy case. This could be a cardboard sleeve with some fancy embossing on the front, or a really fancy metal case. Either of these will get thrown away because they don't fit in your DVD rack.
• You sometimes get some cards/stickers with scenes from the film. These always, without fail, get lost.
• You get lots of deleted scnes. These are scenes which the producers and directors decided were not good enough to be in the real film, and so they charge you extra to see them. The problem is, you never watch them because the producers and directors decided those scenes were not good enough to be in the real film.
• You get a "blooper real" where Hollywood actors/actresses make themselves look like idiots. You don't watch these because you can see Hollywood actors/actresses make themselves look like idiots on the news, in magazines, TV programmes and radio interviews.
• You get what is known as an "electronic press kit" or "EPK". This is effectively charging you for something that you could get for free if you bothered to ask.
• You get a trailer. This is something that tries to entice you into watching the movie. These are always at the end of the DVD, after you have watched the movie.
• You get a commentary from the actors. You don't bother with this because your eyes allow you to see what is going on without a Hollywood actor/actress telling you what you are seeing.
• You get an interview with the actor/actress who bleats on about how "emotionally connected" he/she was with the script / character / storyline / moral point / director / cameraman / pay-cheque. You don't watch this because you dismiss it as bullshit.

So, for you extra dosh, you get a whole raft of pointless features. Yet we still buy them.

The sad truth is, we are all suckers to big business and mass marketing really.

Big Bother

As phone scams go, Big Brother is up there with the best of them.






It's a Channel Four TV programme, completely funded by sponsors, encouraging people to vote for their favourite, or least favourite contestant using a premium rate phone or SMS number. Then, once the voting lines have closed, the unaudited winner is announced. Brilliant! What could possibly go wrong with a concept like that? A concept so good, it's also used by shows like X-Factor and Strictly Come Dancing.

Well, the problem comes when you try and take the proverbial urine out of your audience.

For those of you that are unaware, the Big Brother voting system encourages the audience, to vote to eliminate the brainless, talentless, fame-hungry contestant they least like from the house, which the audience duly did.
However, in a desperate attempt to boost flagging ratings, the producers pushed their luck too far.
From the contestants already evicted, Big Brother then told the public to vote again to keep out their least favourite, meaning that some would be sent back into the house. They had effectively misled the voters initially on what they were actually "paying for" and were then asking people to "pay again".
That led to more than 2,300 complaints to Ofcom and Ictis and has now landed Channel Four a £50,000 legal bill.

But despite all that, this bit has got me:

On reaching its decision, Icstis did accept that Big Brother was an "editorially inventive show".

How exactly is locking twelve delinquents in a house and then proceeding to mislead equally stupid people into phoning a premium rate number not once, but twice "editorially inventive"? The original concept may have been good and the first series may have gauged interest, but Big Brother is far from inventive. It is a tired concept which is resorting to desperate measures to maintain it's existence. I'd go as far to say that the only reason we are still subjected to this programme every summer is because it is profitable for Channel Four.

Channel Four is a good channel, with excellent programming. It's just a shame that Big Brother lets down it's portfolio.

Idiocy in Academia.

Time for a consumer review:

The summer's over and I'm finally back at college. It's my third and final year and so now there's no time for mucking about and skipping lectures to drink something rank in the Student Union.


The only thing is, it would seem that the staff at Leeds Trinity & All Saints College are still on their summer vacation.

The confusion started before I even went back. I popped in to pay my tuition fees around a week before college opened. On my arrival at the finance office, I'm met with a horrified look of someone seemingly scared senseless at the sight of £1174 in cash. Presumably they're used to students just giving them "mummy and daddy's" bank details to set-up a standing order. After all, it would have given them lots of needless admin to do (government funded/subsidised institutions always enjoy needless admin work)

Yesterday, after opening two weeks later than practically every other HE institution in the country due to renovation work they invite us all in to register, although on the same day that lectures are due to start.

Straight away that seemed like a cack-handed way of doing things, given the administration involved and confidently predicted absolute pandemonium. But on the supposed plus side, it could be done entirely with a few mouse clicks this year.
That's where it all went pear-shaped. The system, to put it bluntly, didn't work. For hours upon hours all people gt were time-out messages, errors, log-on fails and so-on. After restarting the web server twice, database server and practically anything that was plugged into an electric socket, the IT clowns still got nowhere near. Instead they suggested we all try again tomorrow (you can imagine the scene the following day) but there was a problem with that. No registration means no student loan payments and obviously as students, that money is needed at this time of year more than any other, what with the need to pay rent cheques, buy the necessary books and what not, so nobody wanted to leave despite how futile an exercise trying to register actually was.

I gave up and tried at home. Only blind luck eventually got me registered.

Today the problems continued. The online timetable system hasn't worked so half of the students couldn't get access to their timetable because the module codes were wrong and those that did get through were given duff information. That resulted in me missing one lecture this morning.

Surely then, you'd think that things couldn't possibly get any worse? That in all this pandemonium, they'd finally wake up and get things sorted? Well, not exactly. I was handed back someone else's essay feedback for starters and the college are still trying to bullshit people with regards to car parking.
Last year the college started charging £25 for students to park their car on a college campus miles from civilisation. The college is in a rather affluent area of Leeds and as a result, First Leeds don't operate any meaningful bus service to the area, as practically all the residents drive their own Mercs or BMW's. That means that driving is the only real way of getting their and back. The problem with charging for parking permits is that you push drivers into parking on the nearby streets, which has created serious safety hazards for people pulling out of the official car parks onto a busy A-road.
In an attempt to stop that, and email was circulated stating that "the police will hand out penalty notices to anyone parked on Brownberrie Lane or Lea Lane". That "threat" fails on two counts:
1. There are no parking restrictions on the named roads. No yellow lines, no clearways, no nothing.
2. The police are no longer responsible for parking enforcement. That responsibility now falls to Leeds City Council in order to free up police time so that they can do some real police work.

As a customer friendly institution Leeds Trinity & All Saints come at the bottom of the ladder by some distance. The past two years suggested that and less than 48 hours this year has only lowered my opinion of them. No other business can/would treat their customers with such contempt yet still expect them to pay in excess of £6000 in tuition fees over the course of three years and expect to get away with it. They've already made my bastards list, but that probably isn't a grand enough gesture.
I could go on to mention the persistently cancelled lectures, unpunctual lecturers, assignments that are handed out late, tutor strikes, a canteen that shows displays similar attitudes towards customer care and amateurish IT infrastructure but I really don't have the energy.

Two day's into the new academic term and I suspect the problems have only just begun at TASC.

Where Did I Go?

Where have I gone? I just keep getting the dreaded 404 message!









Some of you might have had trouble finding this today if you were typing in the URL or following a link to the main index page. Even I had trouble finding it!

Anyhoo, a few forums show I'm not the only person with a vanished blog and it looks like I've solved it now (touch wood).

Keep on blogging.