T'was the night before Christmas...

... and there was feck all on the telly.









Christmas TV always manages to scrape the barrel of the television archives and this year is no exception.

Aside from some big-name film that can now be found in the £3.99 bin at Blockbuster, Christmas TV, especially Christmas Eve television, tends to involve repeat after repeat after repeat of Blackadder, however many versions of A Christmas Carol that currently exist and The Santa Clause.

This year, a thumb through the TV guide reveals nothing, absolutely nothing worth watching.

Aside from the 'Christmas Eve specials' of various soaps designed at the 'OK Magazine' reading share of the audience, the film offering consists of either 'Pirates of the Caribbean; Curse of the Black Pearl' on BBC One or back-to-back showings of the chav favourite 'The Fast and the Furious' and '2 Fast 2 Furious' on ITV2. I've no idea what ITV1 are showing as they try to expand their audience of complete morons.

BBC Three has 'Football Gaffes Galore' - probably the same DVD that you'll be getting for Christmas tomorrow followed by wall-to-wall Little Britain.

The only saving grace is a 'Father Ted' marathon on More4.

So Christmas Day.... what have we got? Shrek 2 and Finding Nemo? That might work. ITV1 are showing some crap from X Factor and I've not idea what the other channels are showing.

Oh, and there's the Christmas speech - whoop-de-fecking-doo.

Is it any wonder why we're so good at binge drinking? Drinking dangerous amounts of alcohol is far more preferable to a night in front of the box.

Know your market

Every now and again, the local free-paper that sometimes turns up is stuffed with leaflets for local window cleaners, drive tarmac'ers and the local supermarkets.



This week, said paper did turn up, with said offers leaflet from said supermarkets.

Now a quick browse through the offers of cheap fish fingers, tinned soups and of course, booze, brought to my attention a drink known as "Red Square".

This Red Square happens to be a vodka-mixer jobbie that is packaged "RTD" (Ready-to-drink, apparently). But what intrigued me more is the tag-line: "Ibiza in a Can".

Now at first it puzzled me as to how you could fit a Balearic Island into a 500ml aluminium container. Then of course, it hits you as to what their audience actually is. The idea of Ibiza that they want to get across isn't sandy beaches, blistering sun and blue seas, it's expensive nightclubs, pissed-up revellers and sick in the streets. Red Square, naturally, prefers to say that the product is aimed at "18-24 year-olds". I prefer to say "aimed at the type of Chavs that watch Jeremy Kyle".

Jerry Springer wannabe Jeremy Kyle has had his chat show blasted as "human bear-baiting" by a judge this week after a studio guest was convicted assaulting another guest during a recording of the show.

Kyle's day-time talk show essentially encourages families from Britain's underclass to come on stage, get their 15 minutes of fame, swear at each other on national TV and then make an emotional pledge never to sleep with the milkman / barmaid / TV repair man ever again. All the while Kyle talks down to them from his high-and-mighty position.

It's a show that always walks the tightrope for what was acceptable and it was only a matter of time before it went too far. Like most ITV shows, it's car-crash television specifically catered for the hard-of-thinking. It's the same reason why Jerry Springer was so popular for a brief period until people started seeing through it.

At least it's good to see ITV's name getting dragged through the gutter once again. A few more premium-rate phone scandals, high profile criticisms and profit warnings and we might see the last of their garbage.